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Necessity’s a Mother…

…of many things.

We all deal with loss of a loved one in our own way. Some of us go silent. Some talk about anything and everything other than the individual. Some pick fights because they’re angry and they don’t know why, and they just have to vent or explode. Some of us bury ourselves deep in any project other than what we were working on when the news came.

That would be me.

For those handful of people visiting here who aren’t aware of it, my best friend, business partner and domestic partner, CJ Cherryh’s mother passed away recently. Carolyn, of course, flew down to Dallas for the funeral, but we really couldn’t justify the cost of both of us going down, so I stayed here and kept the house in order for her return. Alone, unable to participate again in the Celebration of Life of someone who was very important to me, I did just that, buried myself in the plants, the pond and getting the fishtank back in shape.

I realize (duh) I haven’t posted for a long time. That’s because (a) I was too wiped at the end of the day to do anything constructive and (b) with some of the things I got myself involved in, I was kind of afraid Carolyn would worry (about her fishtank!) if she happened to check up on my blog, which added stress she didn’t need, and (c) if I tried to make the details of those adventures in tank-sitting funny, it would be disrespectful, somehow, to Lois.

Funny how we rationalize our desire to just hunker down and avoid thinking. Lois would be all for anything that made those she cared about laugh, so… in tomorrow’s installment of Necessity’s a Mother, I’ll bring you all up to speed on the State of the Fishtank and the Pond.

Meantime, a word about mothers. The loss of a parent is hard, period. The loss of a mother…well, that’s just unique. Biologically-speaking, you’ve only got one to lose. Even for those of us who tended to be papa’s daughter/son, Mothers are special. In this day and age, we can exist without a physical father ever coming near us. We aren’t yet to the point where we don’t still need our human incubator. (and I use that term in the most loving and respectful sense.) 

And that leaves a lifelong impression, no matter the subsequent actions of said “incubator”. Somehow, children find a way to excuse the most outrageous acts on the part of their mother. 

And the good ones…well, there’s a simple little song my sister and I sang for my mom, back when we were kids that pretty much sums it up. To this day, I remember the words:

“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell “MOTHER,”
A word that means the world to me.

—Howard Johnson (1915)—

With love, to all the mothers out there.

Ja ne!

Ja ne!

22 comments to Necessity’s a Mother…

  • katoji

    Its been too quiet without you. Welcome back.

    • Jane

      Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things! I’ve got the Harmonies cover just about done, but was just into one of the most problematic refinements when this all came down, but I’m liking it! :biggrin:

  • Glad you’re back. I’m sorry for your loss.

  • Glyn

    I think we all understand having a bout of flux thinking during a time of mourning. Glad to have you back! And I look forward to hearing about the tank!

  • dali

    Sorry for the loss that you and CJ have suffered. I lost my mother 10 years ago, so I can relate to the confusing emotions and loss of focus. HUGS to you both.

    • Jane

      Pretty pretty pony! Looks like maybe a stallion crest. Is he yours?

      Thank you. I lost my mom back in 2002, a month before my 50th birthday. Total surprise (her death, not my birthday.) Aortic aneurism. She was 86, so she’d had a good run, but two days before, she’d been doing her aquacize and planning the next adventure. Carolyn’s mom, OTOH, has been on borrowed time since her first bout with cancer back in the early 80’s. You just never know. I learned then to treasure every moment spent with a loved one, even if it’s just talking on the phone.

      I think my mom would have liked the Saiyuki mantra: Live so you can die laughing. :biggrin:

      • dali

        Yes, my avatar is my stallion. His name is A Cool Passion. Thanks for your nice comment!! I have always owned horses, and hope that I always will. I can’t imagine my life without them.

        I love that mantra: Live so you can die laughing. I will have to use it.

        I lost my Mom to cancer on Christmas Eve 1999, and she was only 59 years old. It was pretty tough, so I can relate well to the emotional roller coaster. I still dream about her at least 3 times a week, which, while it might seem sad, is actually comforting.

        Again, hugs to you and CJ. Death is a part of life, as we well know, but the knowing doesn’t make the loss any easier.

        I just joined your site, and I wonder what the heck took me long to get here, DUH! I am greatly enjoying the dialogue, and will try not to make a pest of myself! Cheers! 🙂

        • Jane

          He really is stunning. A true black is so hard to find. And what terrific conformation! I’ll hazard another guess…Quarter Horse? If he’s not, he should be! :D:D:D Wish I still had Miko. I’d send her over the fence to him, no matter his parentage! 😀

          • dali

            You obviously know your horses! Yes, he is a quarter horse, I raise quarter horses and paints, only two or three babies per year, and I have a waiting list of people wanting Passion’s foals, shall I add your name? And I also wish you still had Miko, because Passion just LOVES his job as a stallion! 🙂

          • Jane

            Oh, look! there was more! I was answering from some backstage page and it truncated the message.

            I think it’s a mom’s duty to haunt your dreams. 😀 You know they always have eyes in the back of their heads…after they pass, they can see EVERYthing. A bit nervous-making, that.

            I LOVE LOVE LOVE the anime/manga Saiyuki. It’s a marvelously twisted pseudo modern fantasy version of the Journey to the West/Monkey-king story and the main characters are some of the best anywhere. It’s a very “live for yourself first” philosophy, but it shows how living for yourself is rather like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can take better care of those who matter.

            The first two seasons (50 episodes) are by far the best of the anime. Reload, which was done by another company, were slow and very bad adaptations of what is a phenomenal manga. I actually got into it because of the images during the closing credits of Reload, which showed the original artwork. Wow…just…wow.

            And a belated welcome! got so distracted by pretty ponies, I forgot to say that!

            This, BTW, was my pretty pony:

            http://www.janefancher.com/htmfiles/Misc/Venus.htm

            • dali

              Oh, what a lovely mare! She looks like a dream! And I know exactly what you are describing when you talk about your relationship with Venus, and how it taught you trust and resposibility. I adore the pic of Venus as a baby, and I think Printer and your father were quite handsome as well! Maybe there are still horses in your future, hmmm??? 🙂

              • dali

                OK, I’m not replying to my own post! LOL I’m just adding to it. I looked up the pedigrees of Pat’s Skippette and Printer. Very good breeding on both! (Human genealogy is not really my thing since none of my ancestors were at all intersting, but horse pedigrees are DEFINITELY my thing!) And the quality bloodlines do show! Too bad old Venus isn’t around any more, she and Passion would have made a beautiful baby!

  • kokipy

    Hugs indeed. I am sure that losing Lois brought back your own mother’s loss very keenly, so that your grieving was doubled. The passage of time does not alleviate this grief, I have found, but perhaps it is of some use to know that many of us share the experience and grieve along with you in our own doubled vision.

  • Jane

    Thank you. Actually, I’m doing pretty okay. I’m lucky to have had the Fish Tank Problems to occupy my brain cells. Mainly, we humans have the curious habit of ritualizing certain milestones in life and there’s something about the gathering of friends and family to honor a life lived that helps lay more than just the body to rest. It’s one of those centuries-even-millenia-tempered community activities that is getting harder and harder to maintain in the modern world of individual drift.

  • kokipy

    One of my favorite non-sf books is called Losing Battles, by Eudora Welty, a Mississippi writer of the last century :biggrin: It centers on a family coming together for a reunion, during which they celebrate the life of the matriarch and the birth of the youngest among them along with a lot of other homecomings and events. It is very funny, and very moving. It has to do with exactly the kind of community you mention.

  • Bri

    Oh, that lyric brings back a surge of happy memories :^) And a tear or two.

    • Jane

      Big hugs, Sis.

      On a totally different note…Almost threw my new computer across the room last night. Was trying to buy my house in Anvil, had the dodo who sold it to me agree to meet me in the bar…his green arrow said he’d be there…but he wasn’t! I kept walking through him, according to the green arrow! Thot I was going to have to start the whole game over. Tried shutting the computer down, started it up this AM…same thing. Grrrr. Then, I thot to look at the (game) time. Hmmm….3AM. I tried waiting around outside until 8AM and low and behold, when I went in… there he was! YAY. We went, did in the ghosts, unsealed the door, zapped the liche…and I finally got to take a real nap in my own home! :tongue:

  • CJ

    Y’know, to avert rumors you’re shooting ectoplasms in the real world, you should mention you’re an Oblivion addict.

  • Bri

    Did I hear the word “Oblivion”? Where?

    Now, Janie Sue, here’s where that wiki site comes in handy ;^)

    I looked this up and they tell you he’s only there certain times of the day, and that your pointer will still show him there, even when he’s not.

    Of course, they also say he’s only there between noon and midnight LOL! So who knows why he was there at 8 am ;^)

    This game is seriously quirky. Sort of like real life.

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